Posts

The Sober Husband Blog – Volume 1 – July 15th, 2020

It’s three days before the wedding and Jen has a visitor. We are preparing for a wedding amidst a global pandemic and a cross country move to Los Angeles at the same time. Needless to say my anxiety is through the roof and despite my best efforts it’s starting to come out in the form of crabiness, sarcasm and my old friend passive aggressiveness.  Her friend is over and looking at some art work. They are going through some old clothes as well that Jen is getting rid of. They are sitting cross legged on the floor relaxed and gabbing away but all I see are items that need to be packed, rooms that need to be cleaned and one of those storage pods sitting on the street outside that’s only about a third full. “What kind of person just comes over and chats three days before a wedding?” my brain fires off. And why isn’t Jen ushering her out so we can get to work on the things that need to be done?

I’m agitated. I pause. I take a deep breath and then it dawns on me.  Because it’s Jen.  

People are drawn to her the same way I am drawn to her. She gives you her undivided attention. She spends as much time with you as you need and she makes you feel seen and genuinely cared for. The qualities that I adore about her and the reason I’m marrying her in three days are the same qualities that all people see in her. She is a procrastinator and waits till the last minute but she’s never been late for anything since I’ve known her and she has never missed a deadline since I’ve been with her. A calm comes over me and an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I don’t want her to change. I don’t want her to adhere to my schedule and meet my sophomoric (at times) expectations. I just want her to be her and I need to not only celebrate who she is but be grateful for it because it’s those same qualities; love, kindness, attentiveness and generosity that make her such a great wife and partner.

The wedding day comes. It’s at 2pm. It’s the hottest and most humid day of the year so far in Chicago but we’re Chicagoans so we’re used to it. The tent goes up. We’ve made 50 face masks with our names and initials. Our theme is tiki, of course, because that’s cheesy and cool at the same time. Just like us. It’s unbelievable what it took to get to this day. We got engaged on March 13th and on March 14th the whole world literally shut down due to the Coronavirus.  Our wedding, originally planned to take place in Las Vegas at Brad Garrett’s Comedy Club by Brad Garrett, was cancelled and we were forced to scramble and figure out a way to have a safe wedding in a time where you were literally rolling the dice on having any type of gathering. My sister got ordained online, we invited a small number of family and close friends, held it outdoors and practiced social distancing. And somehow we pulled it off.  (As of this publication nobody at the wedding has tested positive for the Coronavirus) 

As Jen emerged from the back of her house holding her father’s arm and looking as beautiful as ever I have never seen a woman so elated. All of my stress and anxiety dissipate and I’m able to be present and truly enjoy the moment we have worked so hard to put together. My sister, our online minister, whispered to me, “She’s so happy!” Her father and I embraced and I took her hands and for the next ten minutes we didn’t take our eyes off each other. We repeated the vows we had written together and we became husband and wife. As with all weddings the rest of the day was a blur and the occasion ended all too quickly. Five days later we packed up her blue Nissan Versa, our dog, Wilbur, and the two dumplings (guinea pigs) and set off to start our new life together in Los Angeles. 

When I got divorced in 2011 there weren’t any books for men about divorce because since the dawn of man we have been encouraged to never ever discuss our feelings let alone publish a book on how to deal with them. It’s just easier to start wars than talk about our feelings apparently. Throughout my divorce my male friends were amazing but all but one of them had never been through a divorce. The hugs and whiskey were bountiful but I didn’t know how to process it. I am admittedly an over analyzer and problem solver (aka alcoholic) but I was just left wondering what happened. It wasn’t until years later after a lot of therapy, soul searching and sobriety that I realized that my marriage was doomed from the start because of my own defects of character and inability to maintain any healthy relationship let alone a marriage. 

So as I begin my second marriage I wanted to share my experiences and perspective as a sober husband trying to get it right this time in what many consider the dawn of a new age where the paper mache/cardboard cut out of a husband (the dutiful husband going to work, putting food on the table, cutting the grass, flipping burgers on the grill on weekends while drinking a beer) is gone. The world is changing and the role of the husband is changing (more on that later) and by god I’m going to save the world with this blog! You’re welcome America.